Confidence- Are we born with it or are we taught it? Confidence is the conversation you’re having with yourself as you’re living your life. If you feel like you lack it, we’ve gotta talk. What are you saying to yourself? When you look in the mirror, what are you thinking? When you start talking to a beautiful woman, how do you feel?
With any behavior change, it requires to do a little digging into how your brain is working. What am I saying to myself throughout the day? What is it that I beat myself up about for not doing? Think of that. Everyone has something they know they want to implement in their day and either haven’t gotten to, don’t know how, or it overwhelms them to start. It might scare you a little bit or you might not know where to start. Address those thoughts head on so we can change the cycle. You’re familiar with those self-defeating thoughts of what you’re not doing or what you don’t have or what you wish you looked like. Let’s tackle those thoughts.
Pay attention to the conversation you’re having with yourself. If you make a mistake, how do you handle it? Do you own it and give yourself grace or do you beat yourself up and have the negative thoughts on repeat? The way you’ve handled mistakes in the past will try and power over you. Don’t let it. You can change how you talk to yourself. Every day is a new opportunity to change the dialogue.
Confidence is connected to our actions. How are you showing up for yourself? When you are regularly taking care of yourself, prioritizing taking care of your appearance, your flexibility, your strength, your health, your space, your passions, your inner peace… you are showing yourself that you are important. When you’re taking your time to implement your skin routine, taking time to feel a deep stretch, to journal, to learn a new skill, to sort out your emotions with a therapist, you are showing yourself that you are worth the effort. You are important and you need to prove that to yourself over and over each day by showing up for yourself. Build integrity by doing what you say you’re going to do.
If you want to start building momentum with confidence, start with one small decision or promise every day that’s non-negotiable. Show yourself every day that you’re committed to that promise by executing it. Maybe it’s writing 3 things you’re grateful for, or doing 20 sit-ups before your shower, or drinking a glass of water before you eat lunch, or going outside every day. It can be anything you know you’re capable of and that is realistic for every day of your life. In this process, your brain will release dopamine which makes you feel good, you’ll be improving your life, you’ll have something fun/exciting to share with your people, you’ll inspire them and yourself, and you’ll show yourself that you are worthy of the effort and the by-product will be CONFIDENCE.
I always thought confidence was something you could easily build until I had children. I do believe that some people are naturally a little more insecure and struggle a little more to feel good about their looks and abilities. As much as it’s hard to watch and you want to help people build up their confidence, they have to do it themselves. They have to do the work to build themselves up and it starts within.
I’ve noticed that my confidence is directly tied to integrity. Being confident about your looks is important but I think that’s a byproduct of the self-love and self-care that come first. The more we are in tune with what our values are and our actions are supporting that, the more positive we feel, the more our day feels it’s unfolding in alignment with what we say we’re wanting out of it. Example- I want to be a good example for my kids in a lot of ways but one thing about parenting that gives me confidence is when we discuss and I show them the importance of learning. If I want to have integrity about how learning is important, I need to breathe that truth into my life with action. I do this by reading the Bible to learn about God, I also read every morning to gain insight from someone else I admire, I read with my kiddos every day, and we read a devotional every night. It’s effort. It takes time. But it’s invaluable. I’m learning, they’re learning, and I’m teaching them lots of lessons with it along the way. I am showing them that I don’t have all the answers so I lean on God’s wisdom, other mentors for new ideas, and show them that taking the time to learn is showing up for yourself because you deserve set aside time to enrich your life by learning.
Unfortunately, I think our confidence can be shaken by others. Getting knocked down by a breakup, a harsh comment or conversation, or a betrayal of any kind can make us question ourselves and our worth. It sucks. What helps me in those moments is knowing I am always loved beyond myself by God. I know that I always have someone that admires me and loves me unconditionally and that gives me the reassurance, grace, and peace I need. Thinking of someone like a parent or significant other that loves you so much or leaning on your faith can recenter your confidence in who you are and give you the boost you’re looking for. We can be so hard on ourselves when we make mistakes or when others’ comments or actions hurt us. That’s natural and normal but we can also create a process to make it a bit faster to get through those dark feelings.
In our minds, we have the same ol conversations over and over and over. The brain is a record of the past so to get in there and change it up means having self-awareness around the conversation and creating a presence with something new. A lot of my clients start with a mantra. A mantra is a little saying that’s easy to say, remember, and provokes a feeling. A few popular ones that I’ve heard are- “I am capable.” “I am beautiful.” “I am worthy of respect.” “I listen to my body and give it what it needs.” “I am in control of how I feel.” “I am attracting the love I deserve.” “I am enough.” Pick or create one that makes you feel at peace and empowered. Use the mantra to start your day, when you need a little boost, when you notice your negative self-talk. Think about what thoughts you want to be the loudest as you walk through life and make them a part of your day.
I believe consistency + courage = confidence.
Whether you believe you’re born with confidence or not, truth is it can be built. It can be built by keeping the promises we make to ourselves, over and over again. It can also be built by being vulnerable and having the courage to ask for help when we don’t know the answer. We are human, it’s not possible to know everything… and the sooner we own that and get comfortable with being uncomfortable, the higher our confidence will be. When we’re scared and do it anyway, when we’re doubting ourselves, but push through, that’s when we build confidence in ourselves.
I’m not saying it’s easy. In today’s world with social media, it’s anything but easy. The comparison game is real. It’s easy to remind ourselves that what we’re seeing is someone’s highlight reel, but it’s difficult to truly believe it and not compare.
Things that have helped me:
- Social media detoxes
- Doing my hair and makeup and getting dolled up
- Pushing myself in a work out
- Just simply working out
- Reading self-improvement books
- Listening to an empowering podcast (Ivy Unleashed!!!)
- Surrounding myself with people who lift me up – girls nights!
- Practicing self-care (love a good face mask)
- Meditating (bringing myself to the present moment and telling myself what is true)
3 Gold Stars
- Look in the mirror at the start of your day and say something positive to yourself.
- Write down 10 successes.
- Make a small promise that you can keep every day for the rest of your life.
- Rate your confidence 1-5 and write an explanation of why you gave it that rating.
- What values are most important for you to embody in your every day life and what’s one thing you can do this week to amplify that value?
- What physical feature and personality trait do you love most about yourself and why?
Piece of Gold
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𝐃𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐩𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐫𝐲:
- Jack Canfield – 100 Successes Exercise
- Marie Forleo – Rising Strong
- 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘺𝘤𝘭𝘰𝘱𝘦𝘥𝘪𝘢 𝘰𝘧 𝘏𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘍𝘰𝘰𝘥𝘴 𝘣𝘺 𝘔𝘪𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘦𝘭 𝘔𝘶𝘳𝘳𝘢𝘺 𝘔.𝘋. 𝘑𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘱𝘩 𝘗𝘪𝘻𝘻𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘰 𝘕.𝘋. 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘓𝘢𝘶𝘳𝘢 𝘗𝘪𝘻𝘻𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘰 𝘔.𝘈., 𝘓.𝘔.𝘛.
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Listen to your truth and go chase your gold.
– Gold Ivy Health Co.